The Set Up
It’s the evening of 30th December 2023 and I’m sitting on my sofa with a lovely Christmas playlist courtesy of radio streaming. Just enjoying the company of myself and the fact that tonight I won’t have to prepare another meal or bake another cake! Today I’ve had my annual New Year’s Eve (well almost NYE) posh lunch with my good Welsh friend, at Pettersham Nurseries in Covent Garden. It was a wonderful culinary experience in a magical environment at the heart of London. And as is the tradition in the last few years I’m marking the end of the year with indulgence and good friendship.
Feeling rather full still from my 3-course meal and a tiny bit run down from too many tourists and visitors in Covent Garden, I’m quite grateful to finally put up my feet and consider my lover’s request for a fresh blog. As he pointed out yesterday in our special Christmas day, he has missed reading my reflections, so I thought that being almost the end of the year it’s the perfect occasion to take comfort into my writing,
The comment came as the result of me sharing with him a romantic novel I attempted to write when I was nineteen years old. During a pause of my reading him my novel, I asked him what he thought about it and he replied that it reminded him of a low budget movie. Of course, that reply didn’t really go down very well with me, but it gave me such a laugh. Poor man, how did I ever think that introducing him to the romance between the powerful yet cold and impenetrable Dr Patrick Dargas, lead medical consultant in a London clinic, and his junior hardworking and vulnerable Dr Sidarta Seymour, would actually be something he would be keen to listen to for an entire evening!!!
Despite my slightly hurt feelings about the lack of appreciation of my early days as an amateur writer, I’m grateful for his nudge for me to write again. Luckily for him he saved the day by saying that he is honoured to have witnessed the early days of my amateur writing that have led me to my blog writing which he adores. And then he simply said: “Darling when are we going to read something new from you?”
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Well, as much as I’d like to write again, I find myself lacking inspiration on what to share and how to share it. Not because I’ve not been walking at all since my last blog in the summer, but because of not knowing how to feel during my walks. Normally, a title and a theme come to me like a storm and when they do, I absolutely have to switch on my laptop and let the words and sentences flow. This time though I couldn’t come up with a theme or a title. I felt the need to write, but I don’t know how to label it. It’s the first time it’s happening, but then again lately there are a lot of first things that are happening to me.
I think I’m going to blame this like so many other things that I’ve been blaming lately on my pre-menopause walk! Thinking about it, the reason for my confusion and inability to focus and concentrate are all part of this change that I am walking through, that I should have been prepared for, but I wasn’t.
Age has finally caught up with me and it hit me suddenly and with no warning. From one day to another, I stopped being myself and I thought it was because of other things having an impact on my life. Atypical to me, I woke up feeling very sad for no reason and with no will to walk through the day. I had no energy and nothing seemed to interest me, but I just blamed it to the continuous grey and soggy London weather and the slight disappointment in the professional side of my life.
Nothing serious was happening to me to make me feel sad, yet I wasn’t feeling well. What I didn’t realise was that something quite serious was happening to me, but it didn’t have to do with the practical things like work, roof over my head, money, family or relationship breakdowns, which I normally consider under the “serious things happening” category. The thing that was making me feel the way I was feeling was my transition to the phase where my hormones are becoming totally imbalanced or as commonly known to millions of women the pre-menopause. I should have put two and two given that I’m a year shy of the big birthday (I’m not going to say how big). I didn’t though. To my defence, as I was already on HRT since last summer, I thought that this would be enough. What I didn’t know though is that symptoms during pre-menopause come and go randomly. Luckily my lover, instead of breaking up with me until I came back to my old self as I was begging him to do, apart from standing by me and giving me lots of comfort hugs, he advised me to look into it. So, I did look into it and it was a huge relief for me to discover that it was a simple matter of rebalancing my HRT. More importantly it was a huge relief to realise that I haven’t lost myself forever and I am just a normal woman walking through the next chapter in my life.
I cannot begin to describe what a total transformation and return to my normal status the boost of HRT has given me. For the last few weeks or so, I’ve regained my smile, my positivity and have gone back to being the social bunny I was before. I’m back to being a total chatter box and have regained the energy and the will to live life to the full. Somewhere inside me I’ll be eternally grateful that my lover ignored my plea to break up with me while I was not being myself, but instead held my hand through it.
End of year reflections
Being just a day away from the end of the year, I cannot help myself from reflecting what I walked through in the last twelve months. This time last year, I was without a job, full of uncertainty about what 2023 would bring and fear if I would be able to stand on my feet again financially. This year, my cup of life is full and there’s nothing more that I could ask for. I have a steady job with a good income coming in every month, I have my lovely flat fully decorated with Christmas tree and all the festive trimmings, I have the love of my life by my side through thick and thin. As human beings we are rarely satisfied with what we have and are always in need for more. I guess deep down inside me I’m wondering if there is more, but for this evening and for the end of this year, I don’t think there is anything else that I need to make me feel complete and happy.
I’ve gone through quite a lot of ups and downs to get to where I am at the moment. Somehow, there’s a part of me that wonders, “is this it”? Shouldn’t I be ecstatic about getting all the things that I wanted? I don’t know what the answer to this is. What I do know is that being at peace is what matters most.
I’m also reflecting that until now there’s been a few surrounding dramas and changes demanding high levels of adrenaline running through my mind, my heart and my soul to get to where I am today. Reaching most of my goals and dreams means that there is now less of a need for such high adrenaline. Instead, I’ve entered the part of a steady, slower pace and contentment. At least for a little while….
As 2023 is about to come to an end in a day or so, I’m trying to think of what it is that I’m happy about and put it in words. I’m struggling a bit to articulate it. Do you know what? There are no thousand words or sentences to describe my feelings. There is only one simple statement: I’m just simply happy for no particular reason and for a million ones.
The epilogue
Knowing me, I know I will not last long in the state of not wanting more or of keeping my adrenaline levels for a steady pace. For now though, I will make an effort and convince my inner restless part of myself to stay put and enjoy the slow pace. I will walk into 2024, with no serious new year’s resolutions, no big plans, no big expectations, no fears or uncertainties. I’ll wait instead to see what fate has in store for me and keep an open mind about what might happen.
Wishing everyone a Happy New Year!
This blog is dedicated to the Love of My Life who inspired me to write it. I love you more than words can say. Thank for being by myside through everything.
Walks and Smiles 