The set up
A couple of days ago I’ve been asked to write a hundred words and I ended up wanting to write a hundred pages. It’s been since August that I’ve written something and I missed my writing very much. It was not because of lack of inspiration from exciting mental and physical walks but because of lack of time mostly. Yet this week’s inspiration reminded me that time is just a mere excuse and so I made time. Or rather, the fact that I am self-isolating created time for me as I have a few days ahead of me to spend in my little Highgate Suite.
It’s a Saturday early evening, the music is Ryuicki Sakamoto’s Music for Film album and the mood is reflective. My chosen theme for this blog covers quite a big period of absence from sharing my walks and I’m curious to see how it will evolve and how the words will bring to life my walking experiences.
Happiness
The reason that triggered me to write the hundred words made me reflect the balance between happy and not so happy walks that I’ve featured in my blogs. I cannot tell where the scales lie, however, sometimes I get the sense that writing gives me comfort in my hours of need rather than in my hours of happiness. Therefore, this time I am so delighted that I feel like shouting out of the world about my happiness.
In a few simple words, I am in deeply, madly and inconsolably in love. A feeling that I haven’t experienced since I was in my twenties and which I didn’t think that I would feel again. A feeling that makes me feel full of life. A feeling that gives me peace and serenity. A feeling that makes me act like a twenty-year-old girl that declares her love in public and in private unreservedly and unstoppably. A feeling that has made me cease thinking about work all the time and that there is life out there to cherish, share and discover with my lover.
It happened all of a sudden and unexpectedly in December. A very special gentleman declared his feelings for me back in the summer and it was wonderful and precious, but at the beginning of our relationship I was holding back myself from experiencing strong feelings for him. Reflecting on this, it wasn’t because I didn’t want to, but because I was afraid to. I was afraid of where it might lead me and how much of myself I would have to give to him without losing my balance. The balance I’ve created of taking care of me and standing on my own two feet with whatever life throws at me. The barriers I’ve built to protect myself from being hurt again. And for all these reasons, at first I was reserved and took timid steps as I was trying to make sense of this new emotional walk that I embarked on by entering into a relationship with a man after so many years of solitude.
Since our first kiss, so many things happened to me which we walked through together. He was beside me all the time, never leaving my side, never giving up on me no matter what he experienced with me, no matter that he shared my most difficult moments rather than my most happy and smiley moments. He constantly found a way to make me feel secure and safe in his arms and that nothing about me would change his mind about wanting to walk with me. It was difficult for me to believe that he would accept me just as I am and wouldn’t close the door on me. It pained me a lot that we started our romance just when I was walking through some of the most difficult times in my life and that he saw me crying more than smiling at the beginning of our walk together. As we knew each other as friends first, for more than three years, back then I was a different person, full of life and positivity and above all always smiling. When we changed our relationship into a romantic one, I wanted him to be with that girl and not with the broken me.
Time and the events of life made me realise that none of the above mattered. It is not every day that a special someone walks into your life and sweeps your heart and mind of your feet. The moment I realised this, was the moment that I finally allowed myself to put my reservations aside and one day I woke up feeling so much in love as I’ve never been before. More importantly, one day I woke up and the word love which for a long time had no meaning for me at all, suddenly made sense and I wanted it to share it with him. I was afraid it that it would frighten him to know, that it was too soon, too foolish, too everything…I told him nevertheless and I felt relieved and free from holding back from living.
Every moment that we spend together feels more special and unique each time. We’ve done many beautiful walks since we’ve been together and enjoyed simple moments that bring much happiness to both of us. We want time to stand still when we are together and never end. When our time together ends its painful and hard, but the thought of seeing each other next, quickly occupies our minds and we embark on making plans.
Sharing life with someone you love is precious. It is a wonderful walk and one you hope will never end.
Sadness
At the end of November my mother walked herself into a journey that brought us both so much pain and changed our relationship forever. The details of her journey are too recent and raw to share at the moment. One day I will seek the right words to describe it without feeling emotional about it or biased about how I do so. Each time I had to share the events of her journey with the closest people in my life, It became more and more difficult. As I am now going through a phase where I wish to put it behind me and move on with life, this is not the time to go into details.
It is time though to say that the unthinkable happened…I walked out of my mother’s life for good. Strong words and a finality connected with the “for good” part, which describes current feelings rather than long term ones. For me the word “forever” is a difficult one and I don’t believe in it anymore. Probably because of what happened with my mum. Because I thought that our love was forever, our being in each other’s lives was forever.
Just like my earthquake experience, suddenly and unexpectedly, within a few seconds something that was said that felt like the tremor of the earth shaking, the forever with my mother crumbled inside my heart. It was only a few words spoken by her, at a time of deep distress for her, which triggered inside me such a big emotional despair that ended up in a single response….Goodbye mum, I can no longer be there for you”. That was the minute that I walked out on my mum and walked into my freedom. A freedom that was long due and should have happened a long time ago. One that felt like I woke up from a lethargy that kept me captive and unable to see a different path in front of me.
Lightness, relief and freedom were my immediate feelings after that moment. There was no sadness at the time, just a recognition that my life was about to change. A positive change but one that comes at the cost of a relationship that I felt was the only genuine one in my life. A change that made me look back into the past and finally open my eyes into a reality that I was denying to accept. A change that made me feel awake and strong to move on with my life, leaving behind me what was painful and was draining my soul.
I do not know why and how I found the strength to make this decision or why it took me so many years to make it. When I look back into my past, I realised that I was walking with my mum, but my true self wasn’t there. Now I am walking with my true self but without my mum. I am very happy that I chose to make my true self come to life even at such a late stage in my life. I am also very sad because I walk with guilt too, I miss her and the thought of what happened doesn’t go away. It will not go away. All I am hoping for is that with time it will fade away and take away some of the sadness.
The conclusion
No matter how altruistic I wanted to be, especially when it comes to family, at the end of the day, my survivor’s instinct inside me emerged and drove me to save myself first before trying to save others, even if these others are my loved ones.
I have no regrets for allowing myself to live my life everyday as I always wanted to. Unconventionally, without walking with society’s rules, without troubling my mind with what people around me think of me, without being afraid to follow incorrect but exciting pathways. I have no regrets for walking into happiness and a secret love. I have no regrets for feeling alive, free and true to myself.
Walks and Smiles 