The set up
It is a Sunday evening and I am happily settled into the sofa with a glass of white Australian Sauvignon Blanc and my candles. My usual favourite Sardinian white wine is no longer available, one of the victims of the pandemic, and I am trying to make up my mind if I like its replacement. I’m full of thoughts this evening after six weeks of total lack of inspiration since the lockdown and I can’t wait to write them down. All this pent-up energy is probably endorphins coming from my lovely invigorating bike ride which also brought about the feelings that I’m about to describe about social fearing.
So, what happened in the last six weeks since the lockdown began? Am I still coping with the prohibitions of walking into work, restaurants, galleries, theatres, shops, London or anywhere else except the boundaries of Hertford? Am I putting up with the prohibition of walking with my friends into all these places and the fact that I am not allowed near anyone that is dear to me, not allowed to have a much-needed hug and real life (not online) human interaction? The answer is yes and no.
The yes part
One of the things that I have coped with easily and adapted is work from home. I always thought that this would be a struggle for me and it is a great relief that it hasn’t. I am as busy as I used to be when I was in the office and technology has made it possible for us to have lots of meetings and projects that keep us going and make us feel useful and productive. What’s more I’ve also taken part into setting up and attracting visitors to a virtual event which replaced an on campus one and I have gained new and invaluable experience. It was a lot of hard work but immensely fulfilling and satisfying when everything was alright on the night as the saying goes.
The commuting part of my life has been replaced by my wonderful and full of exercise daily morning walk along the river. It is now part of my time-restrained allowance of being outdoors for my daily exercise and it has improved substantially both my physical and my mental health. My physical health because I walk around 3.5 miles every day and my mental health because I’ve reconnected with my love for photography. Even though I take the same route every day for the last six weeks, I have been capturing the route by taking photos from a different angle and haven’t failed yet to find inspiration. My route is actually planned in two different ways around the river, a left and a right pathway. Yet, the different light each day whether it is sunny or cloudy, frosty or warm has provided excellent themes of the same spots that I pass every day. The challenge of capturing something new every day without fail means that I am looking at the details throughout my walk be it the scenery or nature’s creatures and features. Looking back through my portfolio, I have encountered quite a diverse selection of ducks, swans, snails, rabbits, birds, cows, stormy clouds, bright morning sunshine, frosty grounds and even fog.
Don’t get me wrong, there have been days where I felt like there isn’t possibly anything new that I can capture and in the end I always discovered something worth capturing. I was even able to take a coupe of photos on the morning when it rained and I was tempted to stay in, but I didn’t thinking that if I was commuting I would have taken my umbrella and walked to the office. Keeping to a strict routine and pushing myself to stick to it without excuses as if I had no choice, has made the lockdown bearable and achievable.
Re-discovering Hertford and its beautiful scenery is also part of the yes. Through my walks I’ve explored the majority of Passhanger Park and its hidden gems including a 500-year-old tree and a hidden orangery in the middle of a forest. The same goes for spending time in my little castle and having the protection of its cosy atmosphere which makes it feel home. Since I’ve started working in London, I hardly spent any time either in Hertford or in my flat. Weekdays I returned quite late and the weekends I was always busy with shopping or going back to London to spend time with friends or tango. So, for a year and a half I was totally disconnected with them and getting to know them again has been a blessing.
I also reconnected with my bicycle which hasn’t come out of the bike shed to see the light, for a year and half. Poor Apollo (that is its name) had completely flat tyres and lots of cobwebs but I pumped air into it and tenderly cleared its cobwebs and dirt and made it shiny and bright again. And together we’re riding on the weekends and we discover new routes or get re-acquainted with familiar ones.
The no part
After the first couple of weeks of feeling that nothing much has changed in my life and that I’m not affected, the tables turned and everything felt wrong. The extra hours I was putting into work as I forgot to switch off from it due to the absence of travelling. The queueing at the supermarkets in order to observe the two metre social distancing rules and when entering not finding what I needed. The realisation that I have to take leave but I won’t be able to visit anywhere in order get a change of scenery and add happy moments in new or familiar places to the box of memories. The fact that seeing friends or colleagues online doesn’t by any means replace the physical presence of them. The fear of the unknown of whether I am protecting myself to the best of the advice and information that keeps changing daily. The fear that my smile was starting to disappear without my consent.
The lack of social interaction with my friends and the lack of my tango dancing, both of which where my avenues of pleasure and taking my mind off things pre-pandemic, have become enemies of my sanity and have turned me into someone I don’t recognize. My hobbies of watercolour painting, playing the piano or writing are not giving me the creative escape that they did prior to the lockdown nor do I feel like doing any of it. I tried to push myself into them a couple of times but it wasn’t happening and that made me feel ever more distressed.
While my little castle is the perfect haven, unfortunately its four walls refuse to talk back to me. Therefore, even though I was saying out loud all of the above and trying to make sense of them, my four walls just remained silent and there was no dialogue between us. Luckily my Yorkshire friend, my Athenian friend and my Highgate friend all equally stood by me in their different ways and made me realise that what I’m going through is not just happening to me. It was happening to them as well but in different ways.
And while the media keep referring to social distancing, I’m getting the feel of social fearing. I push myself to go out at hours when there will be not that many people around as uncertainty of how the virus gets transmitted, makes me feel that every person that I see on my way is a potential threat of infection. There’s also the fear that although I understand and respect the rules of being far away from each person that comes in close proximity, you never know if those coming close to you will do the same or will just ignore you and brush right next to you.
I get the sense that more or less we are now all used to the new norm of going out of our way to keep ourselves from any close encounter with another human being. We all politely smile and say “thank you” when those we encounter on our way change pavements or stop to give right of access as if we are highly contagious lepers. It seems to me that we actually fear seeing someone walking, running or cycling near us and wish that we could just be the only existence in this world. Only the cute canine friends that are totally oblivious to the situation are welcomed now to come close to us and they are the closest thing to getting some affection and close interaction when they jump all over you excited.
The conclusion
The lockdown and the pandemic have been an experience that I would never have thought possible to happen. It’s not an actual war but it feels like one. There is an enemy but you don’t know who the enemy is and where it is hiding. It has brought about feelings and fears that shouldn’t be there but they are. It is connected with uncertainty in all aspects of life that is hard to bear and accept and at times has made me angry. Yet, I’m enduring it as no matter the hardships of it, there is hope inside me that one day, in a few weeks, months or even years, this experience will be over and I will have survived it. I’m enduring it because even when things are difficult there is still room for happy moments to be created, like this one…writing my blog and feeling connected with my inner creativity.
So onwards and upwards to getting through the pandemic with my butterfly daemon by my side reminding me to smile and never lose my hope of better things yet to come.
Visit the photo gallery to view more photos from my lockdown daily morning walk.
Walks and Smiles 