The set up
It is a Monday evening on the train, rain is falling since I left the office and the day is now getting shorter and shorter. It is dark outside and I’m slightly feeling the grey mood that grasps me every autumn.
My theme this time is about my illusions and I felt that looking up the meaning on the dictionary is a good starting point…
According to Cambridge Dictionary the meaning of an illusion is:
Illusion
[noun]
an idea or belief that is not true, or something that is not what it seems to be
No one really has any illusions about winning the war. [+ about]
Synonyms: delusion, misconception, misapprehension, fancy
Collins Dictionary adds a second meaning:
Illusion
[countable noun]
An illusion is something that appears to exist or be a particular thing but does not actually exist or is in reality something else.
Floor-to-ceiling windows can give the illusion of extra height. [+ of]
Synonyms: false impression, feeling, appearance, impression
Somewhere in these definitions lies the source of my personal illusions which have been keeping me company almost every day when I’m walking from one place to another.
The origins of my illusions
For a dreamer like myself when your real life and your dreams of how you want real life to be don’t match, you start walking with illusions which make up the difference. Illusions can appear in all matters of life be it work, relationships, money, health and so on. It is the only way to survive and manage expectations. You create an illusionary world where you pretend that real life looks like the dream one and convince yourself that you are content and fulfilled. This forms the bridge that covers the gap between
For most of my adult life, I have been operating in this way not only to match my real life with my dream one but also to explain and give an excuse to my unconventionality. I need the illusions in order to comfort myself and reassure my mind and heart that it is OK to be unconventional and not follow the norm, the rules, the tradition, the trend, the crowd…whatever one uses to describe the conventional.
Misplaced illusions
Not sure about others, but for me the illusions work most of the times apart from when something real drops in front of me and shakes me up making me wonder about all my illusions across the board. As I was walking to work one morning last week, I found that my illusions are not enough and have failed me. They’ve given me a false sense of security and confidence that I’m heading my real life towards the right way and near to my dream one. A realisation that made me feel sad and worried. Sad because the illusions are just temporary and imaginary… As the Collins dictionary says they don’t exist.
Illusions are fed and get extra shelf life when you are having a good time and get a break from everyday routine and problems. When the bad times and everyday routine come around to knock on your door, then they go sour and they leave you empty, lost, restless and disappointed. And that’s how I’m feeling at the moment which means that when I start walking in the morning or on the way back home my head is down and I can feel a frown taking all over my face.
Is there a remedy? I guess less illusions and more reality is the only prescription for curing my frown and making me keep my head high when I’m walking. Easier said than done for a dreamer like me. Nothing else would work.
Can I do it? I always try to live in the real life rather than an illusionary one. It just feels that with my real life, I’m walking through unexplained obstacles and perhaps looking for something that doesn’t exist. And this is why I use the illusions to overcome the obstacles or because I refuse to accept that what I’m looking for isn’t there.
There is no right or wrong with this one. It is just one of my mental walking challenges! One thing is for sure though. It is such a waste to have a frown as I will develop wrinkles quickly – very likely to happen at my age – and I will definitely develop a hump if I don’t keep my head high no matter what. These are both very strong reasons for me not to allow the failure of my illusions come in my way of my healthy walking.
Walks and Smiles 